Beautiful Celebrities

Ok, so as I was walking my dog earlier today and listening to Zero 7 on my iPod, a memory came back to me. It was a memory that perhaps in retrospect made me cringe, but at the time was one of the most amazing experiences of my life! Let’s go back a few years, 10 to be exact, when Rob Da Bank’s vision of the Bestival on the Isle of Wight was just coming to life…

Having been an avid follower of Zero 7 for quite some time, when I found out they were going to be on MY turf, the blagger in me kicked in! (Or, another word would be ‘stalker.’) I contacted the Bestival press office, claiming to be a reporter (lots and lots of times) until I was granted a backstage pass to interview the bands. Yes, I was pretty persistent, and no, I didn’t think of any consequences! I just wanted to meet my idols! Who wouldn’t go to such lengths??

The weekend of the Bestival rolled around and I proudly watched Zero 7’s set from the very front row, a dreamy (and totally pissed) look of adoration on my face before scurrying backstage…where I came face to face with my heroes…and completely froze! I didn’t have any reporter like questions (a wasted opportunity, I know) so I just came clean and told them I was a fan that loved them! Oh dear. Yes. I was that stalker like fan that gives normal fans a bad name!! BUT this brings me to my point. Sia. While the rest of the band humoured me as best they could (which, given the circumstances was extremely gracious!) Sia sat down and talked to me. For quite a long time, about really personal stuff, as if I was just a normal person. She is quite simply a beautiful, humble lady who will eternally have my respect and gratitude for taking time out of her evening to be nice. She didn’t have to.

Next on my list of super nice celebrities that take time to, well, be nice, is Paloma Faith. When I started out as an author a few years ago, I was incredibly inspired by her 1st album and had an idea for a story set in the 40’s. I decided I wanted to base my lead character on Paloma and contacted her press team with some questions that I never expected to get answered that would help my story.

Paloma herself phoned me up. For half an hour. She answered all my questions, and was lovely and friendly to talk to! I took notes and wrote the story (unpublished, unfortunately) and will love Paloma for being such a wonderful human being til my dying day!

These are just 2 examples of celebrities taking time out of their busy schedules to simply be nice and remember we are all just human beings at the end of the day! I think a lot of celebs could do to take a leaf out of their books because ultimately, we are all equals on this planet. Yes, my stalker days are over, but I’d like to think making friends with someone who just happens to be famous is not an entirely alien concept?

(Just for the record, Sia and Paloma are not my friends!)

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Obsessed With Buttons!

Why is everyone so obsessed with pressing buttons? I mean, what exactly is the lure of pushing that little round button at a pedestrian crossing when there is clearly no traffic approaching? And who hasn’t pressed all 8 elevator call buttons in a lobby before, even when we can see there is one on it’s way down and only a floor away. It’s because of the button! We all want to press them!

I’m not sure why people want to press buttons so much. I think I once read about an art gallery that had an exhibit which consisted of merely a red button that people could actually press. And they did. Who wouldn’t? Nothing actually happened, but it wasn’t the point! It’s the thrill that drives everyone, the unknown consequences of pushing and waiting.

In stark contrast however, I have had my car since April and there is a button near the radio which I have not pushed. I have no idea what it does, but there is the fear that I may possibly initiate something irreversible, or worse still, that I might do ‘something’…and not know how to undo it, if I can even work out what it was in the 1st place? This fear is even stronger on the buses I drive. I’ve been a bus driver for 8 years and there are buttons on the dash I would never dream of experimentally pressing. What if they dumped fuel or turned off the brakes?? (Recently discovered one which turned off a panic alarm-this was discovered due to checking my reflection in the outer mirror and leaning my knee onto the large red button which previously seemed to have no purpose. Thus in one swift, and highly embarrassing, move, found out the ‘meaning’ behind 2 mysterious buttons on my bus!)

So I’m going to end this with a polite request on behalf of drivers everywhere. The next time you approach a pedestrian crossing and feel the irresistible compulsion to press the button, don’t. It’s guaranteed to be a massive anti-climax and 9 times out of 10, you’ll be well on your way before the lights change anyway!

Off The Wagon

Today I fell off the wagon. Yes, I managed 4 (almost 5) days without a single drop, but alas I caved to my own peer pressure. This morning at 5am I had my first drink, and continued throughout the day at VERY regular intervals.

Yes. I’m back on the caffeine.

It started with an internal argument that tried to rationalise that, as a bus driver, maybe it would be safer for everyone involved if I wasn’t feeling as dreamy as I was…hmm, see? That’s the caffeine, racing my mind so far ahead that what is actually coming out doesn’t make sense! You see, I have sciatica, and the doctor gave me some groovy painkillers. But I wanted to be more alert than I was, and it seemed logical to just lean out of the wagon, and pick up a coffee from the nearest passing drive thru! (metaphorically speaking-I made it in the tea room.)

So now I am scatty. My passengers observed their bus driver (me) pretending she was Captain of the Starship Enterprise and shouting ‘Red Alert!’ while pressing the disabled button…and STILL got on my bus!!??? (Yeah, who’s the crazier one now, huh?)

So i didn’t just have one-I decided to just go for it and had one every half hour. I am not only secreting caffeine from my tongue, but I can feel the shakes coming as the inevitable caffeine crash approaches.

I truly don’t know what I am talking about.

Frankenstein Dinners! (aka Batchelorette Meals for the faint hearted!)

Before I begin, I will explain the meaning of Frankenstein Dinners/Batchelor-ette Meals.  They are the sort of meal you concoct when you either;

a-live on your own

b-live with someone, but they happen to be out for the night.

They’re the sort of meal where you rebel against society, against everything your parents taught you about your main meal of the day, against everything anyone has EVER told you about what you should and should not eat for your dinner.  This rebellion can liberate your food cupboards into a veritable wonderland! Yes, you CAN have mushy peas with salmon! And more importantly, if you want to eat peanut butter out of the jar while the salmon is in the pan and the peas are in the microwave, guess what…you can!! 

The freedom from frying an egg to go with your chicken and mushroom pie and crunchie ice lolly is unlike any other! As is making HUGE sarnies with egg, cheese, marmite, peanut butter and cucumber! Lushness in your mouth!!

But. 

I have very recently come to the conclusion that not all of my Batchelorette meals are as tasty as I would like to think they could be.  For instance, tuna mayo+egg mayo+spinach+noodles=YUM (not all mixed in, though…obviously!) as is chicken dippers+scampi+cheesy beans=YUM as well!

What does NOT work, in any way shape or form (please take heed-I lie not) is

MACKEREL, BEETROOT AND FIG SALAD (WITH MATURE CHEDDAR.)

Trust me, it is not worth the curiosity of even trying! There was not very much pleasure involved in this particular meal, unless you separate said ingredients into small piles and eat individually…starting with the beetroot.  The only rebellion I experienced with this particular meal was that I didn’t want to admit defeat, and it was all hideously good for me! Yes, I ate every last purple fishy mouthful. I am NOT a quitter.

On a more positive note, tonight’s meal of tuna pasta with courgette and leftover lasagne and peanut butter was a raging success!

DANGER IN THE SHOWER!

Ok, so after years of dancing with danger, I wondered if anyone else found the same perils under their innocent showerhead? It all sounds so simple and easy, and the end result does leave you feeling great!!  However, taking a shower is a minefield of confusion and danger that requires the utmost concentration, ESPECIALLY 1st thing in the morning.  Here’s why;

1-How many times have you put shampoo on twice because the bottles are similar?  The resulting bafflement as to why there is still foam in your hair when you swore you’d rinsed all the shampoo suds out can be enough to tax even the most intelligent of us.  It also makes us run late.

2-In relation to point number 1, how many of us have washed our bodies down while letting the conditioner absorb in, only to find we forgot to put it on?  For those like me on a tight time schedule in the mornings, this throws everything out of the window and a generally become extra flummoxed with having to make the decision ‘Have I got the time to put it on now? Will my hair dry to a straw-like consistency if I don’t?’

3-The awful moment when you do the ‘quick-shave’ and nick yourself.  When I say ‘nick’, I mean letting torrents of unending blood burst free from your veins (through one tiny hole) until your bathroom resembles a scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

4-This happened to me as recently as a few days ago.  Lathering yourself with what you think is shower lotion, but is actually bubble bath-yes, they’re made by the same company, the liquid inside is even the same colour, BUT one will leave your skin silky smooth, while the other leaves you dry and itchy and feeling like a dumbass.

5-Ok, my biggest beef with showertime.  All showers should have a warning attached to them regarding this issue, and I’m writing this to spread awareness.  Whatever you do,  when turning around with your head under the stream of water…KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN! The minute you close your eyes, the whole world goes topsy turvy!  I’ve nearly had many a tumble in the shower from closing my eyes during a quick spin. DO NOT try this out!!

So anyway, tomorrow is shower day for me.  I will do my best to be as vigilant as possible at 05.30am, but the shower is a cruel mistress!! She will do her best to make me late for work! 

Wish me luck!

Beautiful Dentists!!!

Have just come back from a visit to the dentist where I smiled through the entire appointment, and was still smiling as I walked out! The reason for this is that I must be the luckiest lesbian in the whole world when it comes to beautiful dentists!!!

My previous dentist was named Casey and she was a fresh faced, blonde haired, blue eyed, fresh from cheerleading (or so you could imagine!) gorgeous young girl! I had her for nearly 2 years and she made every appointment fun and interesting and amazing! (and I never once thought about her boobs as they were pressed into my shoulder or head!!) So when she told me she was leaving, you can only imagine how truly upset I was. I put off going in for a well needed crown because I couldn’t bear the idea of anyone else’s fingers in my mouth…until today!!

Today I met my new dentist, Elena, who seems to have sprung from the same ‘Beautiful Dentist Training Academy’ that Casey danced out of! With her dark eyes, dark hair, and longest eyelashes I’ve EVER seen, I found myself smiling stupidly at her for the entire time (well, when my mouth wasn’t doing it’s best impression of the girl from The Ring) and yes, I even indulged in some shameless flirting!! (I’m sure she thought I was just extremely pleasant!!)

So I have 5 more appointments lined up for the next month to sort some random pieces of teeth out, and I will look forward to each and every one of them as if it was a date!!! Hmm, am starting to feel like the Bill Murray character out of Little Shop Of Horror……

When baddies in films just aren’t ‘bad’!

So I’ve just finished watching Hansel and Gretel and was fairly impressed with the levels of ‘evilness’ demonstrated by the witches! So many films leave me feeling disappointed when the bad guys just don’t deliver. Superman ll is a classic example of this.  The ‘so-called evil trio’ who were imprisoned on Krypton land on Earth and attempt to take over…not by destroying large cities, or killing whole schools of children etc.  No, they land in some small hick cowboy town in the middle of nowhere and blow up a few cars and trucks.  I spotted zero casualties in their ‘carnage’.  That’s not evil, or scary!!  They’ll never take over the planet being soft like that!! I’ve had scarier moments with my pet cat! MAN UP, BAD GUYS! GROW A PAIR! 

Another gripe I have with horror films is when the bad guys talk to their victims, or throw them unnecessarily around the room (the good guys have a habit of doing this also) when they should be just getting bad with it.  I know, I know- it makes for good watching.  Whatever!  It just niggles me, is all!

I REALLY don’t understand women! (And yes, I am one!)

I think men just assume that women understand each other, and straight women assume lesbians have great relationships because, wait for it, they think we understand each other! I’m going to tell you a HUGE secret….we don’t understand each other at all!!! We pretend we do, but the actions of fellow femmes boggle us as much as the next person! We all have unpredictable hormones raging around us, and I don’t think I’m alone in saying I am constantly left staring at a woman in disbelief because I. Just. Don’t. Get. Her! Friends, family, partner…they all mess with my head!!

Have managed to put the hula hoop down…for now!

So, with the hideous amount of work I find myself faced with today, I’ve managed to distract myself for nearly 6 hours by going for a long overdue blood test, washed the pots, mopped the floor, had lunch, meditated and got sweaty dancing to some electroswing and flicking a hula hoop round for a while.  Now I have nothing left to do but face the insane amount of ‘stuff’ I have to do! (Unless I get a visitor???)